MOONAIR FOR GOVNA!!!

I was reading the Governors new plan to spend state stimulus money (9 million dollars) on a footbridge connecting the parking lots at Gillette Stadium. Wow, all the things that Massachusetts needs and he plans to spend it on a bridge for the Pats??? Man us Black people were fooled with this guy.

How ridiculous is this idea. If I was Governor even I could come up with a better way to spend stimulus money. Like if I was running for Gov I would run on the sole idea of “The Fat Lane.” My campaign would go like this…”Have you ever been in a rush, maybe late to work or some important meeting? We all have. Your making your way through the crowded street when your confronted with the 300lb sidewalk blocker, wobbling slowly down the street. You try to go around the right he wobbles right. So you try to go left but somehow his slow wobble beats you there. Next thing you know, you feel like your stuck behind a dump truck on a one way street and you late for work.

For this I present The Fat Lane. The Fat Lane is a lane similar to the bike lane right in the street for fat people to walk freely. There would be metal cutout in the shape of a round person at the corner of every main street. If someone can not fit through the cutout you go to the fat lane. To enforce it we’ll have a “Fat Patrol” giving out tickets. The Fat Patrol places a bright red ticket on the violators back. Too many tickets and they get towed. This plan creates jobs, promotes good health, and less crowded sidewalks without spending more then a few thousand bucks. I’m Moonairgotjokes and I approve this message.” lol I’m going to hell lmao

Wu Taaaaaang!!!!

50 year old suburban “Wu Banger” at the Apple store

Funny Story (The Entourage)

One night about 7 or 8 of my friends were hanging out on my porch relaxing. One of my friends started talking about this cute chick he met at the pool earlier. She gave him her number but he was too shy to call. Not only was he shy be he had been smoking for the past hour and paranoia had definitely set in. Being the good friend that I am I told him, “I will call her for you and pretend that I am you on the phone.”

After about 30-40 minutes I got him an invitation to “hangout” at her house for the night. She told me that when I get there the door will be unlocked and to come right up but to be quite because her aunt lived right below her. the only problem was that my paranoid, high friend was to scared to go alone. Sarcastically I said “if you really need all of us to go up there with you we can.” He clearly didn’t understand sarcasm cause twenty minutes later all 8 of use were trying to scale 3 flights of stairs without waking Aunt “Cock Block” on the first floor. Once we got to the top of the stairs, we scared the hell out of the girl. We all looked like complete asses but it was totally worth it to hear my friend trying to explain why the hell he had an entourage accompanying him on a booty call. Never the less it worked out cause she had a sister there that kept our company while they handled their business.

5 minutes later they come running up from downstairs saying “I JUST SEEN MOM’S CAR PULL UP!!! Climb out the window to the roof and go down the ladder.” So all 8 of us climb through this tiny window onto the roof. I still chuckle whenever I think of how my chubby friend had to squeeze his body through the small window. Once we got on the roof I made way to the ladder.

NOW, I DON’T KNOW WHY!!! the first thing her mom did was come up to the third floor and look out the window, and I have NO CLUE!!! why the hell her dad was at the bottom of the ladder just waiting to see if anyone was going to climb down. My guess was one or two things, either her parents were over protective, freakishly distrustful people or that she did this so often that their normal routine involved coming in the house, saying “honey we’re home. Baby you check the window I’ll secure the latter around back.”

Now the father is screaming up at me and saying how he’s going to get his dog and gun, and the mother is yelling at us through the window calling us all types of hoodlums. The whole time I’m sitting there scared out of my mind thinking what the hell did i smooth talk myself into. So as the dad walks off to collect his murder weapons I make a run for it. I jump off the roof of the three family house into the mud and dash across eight or nine back yards. The whole time I’m looking frantically and praying a dog doesn’t hop out of the bushes and bite my a**. I felt like an Olympic gold metalest sprinting through yards, hurdling gates, climbing fences, and flipping over barbed wire. The dad hopping into his truck with another man to try to catch me but i was like Usain Bolt that night. I was running so fast that I wouldn’t be surprised if there actually, was a dog in one of those yard, just like “DAAAAAMN!! That MF’er is out!!!” Luckily for me I got away with only a sprained finger and a bunch of scratches from the barbed wire.

I met up with my friends the next day and apparently the father didn’t realize that the whole Wu Tang Clan was on his roof. After he chased me in the truck they all climbed down the ladder and simply walked home. The guy who was actually to blame first said that her father pulled up to him saying “did you see a high yellow dude run by this way.” FML, From that moment on I vowed never to hope off another roof again. As a looked down at my bandaged arm, I thought “next time I get caught in a girls house shes just ganna have to get in trouble on her own. I ain’t jumping”… but that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Classic Tweets

RT @moonair @MysJaye good morning @Jhoanka buenos dias @MedgyRome Sapa se @bexudoce: Cuze @cyntcity i cant speak native american but ill try, “Hi Hoe

10:24 PM May 10th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair I’m just a Squirrel tryna eat so get off my nuts

6:24 PM May 10th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair #RIP to people over 18 that Typ3 liik3 tHiS, have sidekicks, and listen to soljah boy

10:59 PM May 18th from web

RT @moonair U know the economy is bad when even the price of beggers go up. Had a bumb just ask me for $5 lmao

2:28 PM May 26th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair Spooning is cool but no way near as fun as forking. I guess I’m more of a sporker lol

12:56 AM May 27th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair ever been at work on FB or twitter and find urself getting mad when someone comes and asks u to do some work lmao

1:08 PM May 28th from web

RT @moonair I’m drunk and ur Fat

1:30 AM Jun 7th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair Really Mr. Nguyen? Do I really look like someone whos tryin 2steal ur 1.79 waters? $1.79? Ur the 1 robbing me. I should be followin u around

4:20 PM Jun 15th from UberTwitter

Rt @moonair #whydo spanish people put stickers that say Corolla on the wind shield of their Corolla

1:42 PM Jul 9th from UberTwitter

Rt @moonair #chicksbekillingme when they got all fake ish. Bag, shoes, clothes, teeth, nose, breast, nails, hair and swear they r keepin it real

10:07 AM Jul 29th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair #chicksbekillingme when I see lesbians tryin their hardest to look tough… get ur duck tape titty ass out of here lol

9:09 AM Jul 29th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair #chicksbekillingme when they get smashed by some D celebrity n start thinkin they r 2 good 4 niggas. “Excuse me. I’m a High Class Jump Off”

9:14 AM Jul 29th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair If ur boldin and u still got corn rolls, only on the side or overlaying ur big bald spot, #itsaboutthattime

3:58 PM Jul 30th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair If ur job hunting and ur email still reads something like babysurgebearphattyXOXOXO@BLACKPLANET.COM #itsaboutthattime “kill urself” lmao

5:42 PM Jul 30th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair She could sell the sand man a dream and lease Obama some hope lol

RT @moonair dnt b mad @me we need eachother, I’m like the nipple to ur boob. Now what’s a booby without its nipple? come on now

8:35 AM Aug 4th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair I’m like 1 big ball of talent just waiting to bust a nut

9:09 AM Aug 4th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair its getting late im about to call it a night… Hey IT!!!! Ur a night!!!!

10:26 PM Aug 5th from web

RT @moonair y the f do automated services ask u for all ur info. #, password, SS blood type. n when a person picks up they ask u 4all the same ish

3:39 PM Aug 10th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair I personally think I deal wit awkward situations pretty well. But then again maybe its cause I usually am the 1 who initiate the awkwardness

12:02 PM Aug 13th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair #thirstythursdays shout 2 thirsty fellas that bother evry girl @the cornermall “U da finest thng in the world ma” wht? Fuk u then bit**” lol

4:35 PM Aug 20th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair #pickupline If a shorty says urcute say “u think I’m cute now? well I look 10X better when UR drunk” easy way to go out 4drnks lol

3:28 PM Aug 19th from UberTwitter

RT @moonair I’m a lover not hater

9:21 AM Aug 19th from UberTwitter